Thursday, August 27, 2009

What It Takes

Over the last several weeks, I have witnessed the implosion of three marriages. All are very different circumstances. But all three marriages are ending, none the less.

It deeply saddens me to see my friends and their children go through something so traumatic.

But it also causes me to feel something else. Something that I don't really know how to put my finger on. It is a mish-mash of feelings.

A couple of weekends ago, I went out with the girls. One of the girls had just learned of her husband's numerous affairs. So the evening turned into quite a bit of ex (or soon to be ex) husband bashing.

Over the course of the evening, one of my friends asked me what the secret to a happy marriage is. I honestly did not have an answer for her.

Ever since then, I have pondered this question. And I still don't have an answer.

I could get on my high horse and be all condescending and say it's because divorce is not in our vocabulary. But if I found out that Vol Fan had been having numerous affairs over the course of years, would I still be able to say that? I don't think so. What if he was abusive? I don't think so.

The best answer I can come up with is I was lucky.

I was lucky to find someone that is faithful. Someone that is as committed to forever as me. Someone that is willing to put up with me. Someone that is hard-working, honest, gentle, loving. Someone that is supportive, protective, encouraging, fun.

Did I deserve to find all of this? I don't know but I am very glad I did.


Lisa said...

Yes, you deserved to find "it". We all deserve it but it does take work. To me, it's "communication" & willing to compromise that is key. Never, ever take each other forgranted.

imom said...

I got lucky too!

There is a lot of work, on both sides, to make a marriage work. It's not always a happy time, but you work through those unhappy times. That said, if my husband cheated on me or was abusive to me or our kids I wouldn't stay with him. To me those are unforgivable offenses.

Caution Flag said...

I do believe luck is the answer. I used to say God's blessing was the reason until my friend was devastated by her husband extra-curriculars. Did God choose to not bless her? I don't think so. So I'm back to luck, and thus far, it's working for us.

Mental P Mama said...

I'll go with luck, too. And respect. So sorry for your friends....

Busy Bee Suz said...

Yes, you did deserve a good marriage. And I think luck has a lot to do with a good marriage. I was working on a post about this same thing too. I don't find marriage to be work, for me it has been the easiest part of my life. So, I must be very lucky too.
sorry for your friends.

Grandma J said...

I don't know about luck, but I think it has more to do with love...loving someone unconditionally.

Looking back over the years I have only one real regret, and it's my divorce. Not for just me, but the number of people it continues to affect thirtyfour years later.

You are a gem, Woody

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

I am right there with you Woody. I got lucky too.

Living on the Spit said...

I am going to go against the grain here...becuase I don't really believe in "luck" per se...I believe in karma and often the mates reflect what we are putting out there into the world. We naturally have a tendency to surround ourselves with little mirrors that reflect who we are. You are a gem, so it stands to reason that you would have a gem of a are such a good friend.

Clippy Mat said...

well whatever it is, good luck or good management, it's working so that's the good news. too bad for your friends. who knows why/how these things happen?
continued good luck and good love to you though.

Betsy from Tennessee said...

It is sad to see marriages collapse, isn't it Woody? Most of the time, the couple didn't work at the marriage. They get too busy trying to make it financially and every other way. Having kids makes it doubly hard --since that's just another stress. Couples FORGET about EACH OTHER--and the magic disappears. Even without magic, some marriages last simply because of respect, trust and good communication. All couples need to block out time for themselves ALOT--and most don't.

I was in one of those broken marriages. I made so many mistakes and so did he. We just drifted apart. BUT--in my case, I found the love my my life the 2nd time around. Our entire relationship is totally different from my first marriage. SO--in my case, it all worked out.

Glad you found the right person the first time around. Hang onto him!!!!

Anonymous said...

Must be something about the place we live, because I could have written the same words.

Three families for me too. And I am just crushed for them all.

I came to the same concnlusion. I was stupid 17 years ago in many ways, but in the husband department I got lucky too!

Anonymous said...

Nicely put. Marriage is the hardest job I've ever had. But also the most fulfilling. Its not for everyone...but well worth the effort put into it. Glad you got a good one!

(Sometimes!) Serendipitous Girl said...

Um, this is why SSG is PETRIFIED of marriage. But she'll get over it. Especially after hearing success stories. Which yours IS. Secret or not. I love how much fun you guys have. I mean SSG loves how much fun you guys have ; )

Jay said...

I think a lot of it is down to luck - most of us choose our husbands and partners on instinct. Something deep within us calls to something deep within the other person, and we put it together with 'do we like them' and 'are we attracted to them' and 'are they a good prospect' and come up with a yes or no. But it's luck as to whether you both have the same commitment, and both grow and develop at the same rate.

It is sad watching friends' marriages fall apart. But I am very uncomfortable with soon-to-be-ex bashing.

T said...

It was a tough night!

I've often wondered what could have been done differently. But the what if and could haves will drive you crazy. I know that it takes BOTH to want it to work! If one want out - no amount of work, trying, etc. is going to do any good.

You and Vol work at it. I know this. That is what makes you two strong.

Keeper Of All Things said...

Hard work
Hard playing
Hard loving!!!!

Anonymous said...

awww...this made me cry. I found out two weeks ago that I was not as lucky as Ive always thought...