Tales from the Funeral Home

[Alternate Title: If It Weren't So Sad, It Would Be Really Funny]

Vol Fan's grandmother passed away on Wednesday. Thankfully, Vol Fan was en route to Knoxville anyway and was there to support his Mom.

I love my husband for so many things but one thing that I especially love him for is knowing how family drama eats away at my soul. So he told me to stay home. He didn't want me to have to deal with all the things that were likely to happen, all the cold stares, all the ugliness.

I felt like a rat - feeling like I had deserted him in a time of need. He very bluntly told me that he didn't need any emotional support. He had dealt with the sadness of the lack of relationship long, long ago. He was mainly going to support his mom and be the bouncer, if needed.

And it was.

Vol Fan's grandparents were of meager financial standing. They paid their bills and put food on the table. But they didn't have enough for a villa in France or anything. But that hasn't stopped the vultures from circling.

Ever since I joined Vol Fan's family, I have been shocked at how they behaved. Even 20 years ago, they were fighting over who would get what when Pepaw and Memaw died. And they weren't dead!! So you can imagine how lovely things are now that they have both passed.

After Vol Fan's father died in 2002, there was a mad rush by the vultures to convince Pepaw and Memaw to change their will. Now that REB was gone, they wanted things to be divided 6 ways, instead of 7 - completely cutting out Vol Fan and his siblings..

So at the visitation, one of Vol Fan's aunts stood at the door and told people that Memaw had left debts (which she didn't) and that the family was taking donations. And of course, people believed her and handed her cash, which she promptly put in her pocket. Once someone got wind of this, it was all they could do to keep a brawl from breaking out between her and another of Vol Fan's aunts! And she was doing the same thing at the graveside today.

A daughter of Memaw's sister (with whom Memaw had been in a feud for the last 6 months) showed up and started yelling and cussing the lot of 'em. "All you Brownings are assholes.. blah.. blah.. blah.." And she had to be escorted out.

All this drama had Vol Fan wound pretty tight. So at the graveside, he almost cracked. Up, that is.

He was a pall bearer. As he stood in his dress clothes and tie listening to the preacher go on about how lucky they were that they had such close ties with such a wonderful matriarch, his mind couldn't help but laugh. If the preacher only knew.

And then the preacher went on to mention just how lucky they were that their family wasn't feuding over money, that's when he cracked. He had to stifle a laugh. I hope everyone thought it was a cough!!