Thursday, April 24, 2008

Recurring dream

I just awoke from my recurring dream. Nightmare, really. Usually Vol Fan is here for me to turn to for comfort. But tonight, he is still in Knoxville and I am in Tullahoma. So I am turning to the warmth of my computer for comfort. But it's not quite the same....

Each time I have this dream, it is a little different but essentially the same. Vol Fan leaves me. For another woman.

You would think that I would wake up angry. But it is not anger that I feel. I feel...empty. Lost. Alone. Scared. So scared that it is almost suffocating. Like I've just had the wind knocked out of me.

I am sure that this dream has its base in my deepest, darkest fear. But how do I conquer it? Deal with it? Overcome it?

I shouldn't be afraid that Vol Fan is going to abandon me. Actually, I don't think the fear is necessarily directed at him. But rather, it is just there. A nameless, faceless blob of fear. It just attaches to him because he is the one that's closest.

In re-examining my day, I think I have stumbled upon what may have triggered this dream. I have told you in previous posts that I take everything VERY personally. Vol Fan had to drive again today. So after 8 hours in the car dealing with traffic while hauling a loaded gooseneck trailer, he finally made it to the apartment. And it was hot. (I had turned the air off before I left last week.) And he was hungry. (Since I did not know when he would be coming and I was only there for a couple of days, I didn't go to the grocery.) And the TV didn't work. (I had nothing to do with this one. It was working when I left.) But anyway, the tone of his voice sounded frustrated and angry. And like I said, I take everything VERY personally. So, of course, I get that kicked-in-the-gut feeling, like he is angry with me. He wasn't. But to my fear that doesn't matter.

So now, here I am. Hours later, still dealing with the leftovers of my fear. Typing has helped me think it through. This is the first time I have associated something that happened earlier in the day with this dream. I wonder if it has been true every other time I've had it? Anyway, I think I can breathe well enough to go back to sleep.

1 comment:

Anonymous said... least you can reflect on your feelings. You are ahead of the game. And reality is that the dream you keep having is after all just a dream.
Taking things personally is a sign of being self absorbed and this makes it hard for others to connect with you. Try this:--
Next time you feel under attack instead of letting it get you down try realizing how insignificant the situation is to the grand scheme of things like your love for your husband and your pets and being healthy and having a safe place to sleep...etc, and then try this...
Laughing at the ridiculousness of whatever it is that is causing your emotional reaction. Just try it- even if you don't feel like it is "true" for you. A smile - even one that is only a smile to yourself goes a long way.
Love you