Monday, December 15, 2008

Some things just cut to the quick......

I have issues. As I have said before, my biggest fear is abandonment. I am fearful that someone I love will leave me.

So in response to that fear, I do not let my feelings show. I am afraid that if I show that I am angry or have had my feelings hurt, you will decide that I am no longer worthwhile.

And because of this fear, I am very insecure. Never quite confident in where I truly stand in your heart. In your life.

So things people say in the most off-hand way can sometimes hurt me to the quick.

Example:

Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday so we got together tonight to take him out to dinner. He and my step-mother rode with me and Vol Fan to the restaurant. On the way there, we were having a conversation about my great aunt Elsie (who is one of my most favorite people in the world) and her son, Hanley.

Aunt Elsie is now in a nursing home and Hanley is, how do I put this nicely - well, Hanley is a low life jerk. He has taken what little money she has and now has very little to do with her.

The conversation came around to the latest, greatest mistreatment by Hanley and went like this:

Blah, blah, mistreat, blah, blah......

And then my step-mother said, "And that is the thanks she gets for taking him in and adopting him...."

Vol Fan said, "So he's not even hers."

And my Dad, "No, he's not even hers."

And that is all that I heard. As I choked back the tears, all I could think was - Hello, people! I am adopted! Is that the way you feel about me, Dad - like I'm not yours because I was adopted?!?

Now in my head, I know that that is not the way that my Dad thinks of me. I know that I am his in every way.

But deep down, in that place that I keep hidden from the world - I don't know it. I am just a kid that was cast off and happened to be lucky enough to have a family that was generous enough to take her in. Still the kid that is trying to prove that she is worthy of them taking her in....

I am positive not a soul in that car realized how deeply those comments hurt. Vol Fan will when he reads this - sometimes it is easier to write things rather that speak them.

Now I am going to go cry into my pillow and things will be better in the morning.

16 comments:

Grandma J said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that you hurt. I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I don't. I can't even imagine...
Your dad probably had no idea how those words pierced your heart.

((((hugs))))

joy said...

oh honey ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Cool Breeze said...

Always remember that the love of God is there to comfort you.

Oh yeah, we love you too.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I imagine this is a huge hurt for you...it hurt me, just reading it.
You have to know, that the 3 of them did not have a clue as to how deeply this would hurt. THEY don't have the same feelings about this subject as YOU do. Totally oblivious....they would never try to hurt your feelings, they were thinking only of someone else who is a crappy person.
Hugs....you know you are a good person who deserves all the good in the world. Don't let a snide remark leave a big wound. :)
K????

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Hey Babe, I am feeling this pain with you. I know and hate that "cast off" feeling too. The crying will help, and it's gonna be another great day today =). Here's a HUGE hug. I just love hugs! Dont EVER forget you are a treasure and you are loved and I love you bunches!

smiles4u said...

It really does come as no surprise to me that you struggle with these feelings and I can only imagine how comments such as those would cut through to your heart. Of course you are going to be more sensitive to things that you have gone through, whether it be losing a parent to an aweful disease, being adopted or any of the other things you have been through in your life.

I think many of us struggle with certain feelings/ issues but keep them hidden. I also know that most of us say things without thinking and not realizing how our words affect those that hear us.
I don't think they meant to hurt you just as I think you try not to let these types of things hurt you. But, we are all human. Is this something you could talk to your dad about? Maybe this is a sign to you that you have undealt with issues that you need to share with your husband, so that he can help you get through them or need to seek out professional help to lessen the affect on you.

I think it's healing for you to share it here. I think every time we take a risk and share something with others we open the door to healing and love to come in. Yes, we risk hurt when we make ourselves vulnerable but to get whole we have to take risks. In sharing it you will find that you don't stand alone. I pray that you find that in sharing it here...you are not alone my friend. We stand right here with you because we each have our own baggages of feelings from our "stuff".

I hope you had a good cry...tears can be so healing. Thank you for sharing!

Big Hair Envy said...

I am SO sorry that your feelings were hurt. Putting it on your blog is a good first step for getting it out. (The tears help too.)

Now, you need to talk about it. Out loud. Start with Vol Fan...I'm sure he is a good listener. After that, talk to your dad. Without even realizing it, we all say things that are hurtful to others - even though it's not our intent.

Sending lots of love and prayers your way today:)

Leslie said...

I am always amazed at how many grown-up's haven't learned the skill of thinking before they speak (your step-mother appears to be one of those people) Although we know through your blog that your dad is your dad in every sense of the word it doesn't take the sting out of the words that were spoken last night does it? It's amazing that even as adults people assume that we are able to rationalize peoples ill-mannered behaviors but that isn't always possible is it? You have made so much progress this month conquering your holiday blahs I hope you won't let this unfortunate snag in the road ruin it all coming down the home stretch, you have so much to be thankful for! Hang in there!!

dirtbikes and divas

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. said...

I'm so sorry that happened. I'm not the best at giving advice but, talking with them about it would be a good idea. They probably didn't even realize what they did.

~Hugs~

TheVinylVillager said...

(((big hug)))

I totally understand why that would hurt...and am a little shocked that two folks who ought to know better said it, even if you know they didnt mean it that way.

Ive got family that is all mine and theres not a drop of blood we share.

Keeper Of All Things said...

Wow thats sad...i'm sorry to hear that for you.Sending you HAPPY thoughts!!!!!

Life with Kaishon said...

I just pray every day that Kaish never feels like that. I think they were just saying that because this guy is so skanky! Jerky people make us say jerky things.

I actually fear that when Gary and I have a baby I will not love it as much as Kaish. I mean, he is my first baby and even though he wasn't born from me, I love him more than life itself. I thank God every day that I have this wonderful child and I am SO thankful that he is mine thru the miracle of adoption.

Kaish asks all the time about his real family. Sometimes that makes me cry. Because I want to be his real family.

Life with Kaishon said...

I forgot to say the most important thing of all. I will be praying for you!

Desert Survivor said...

I hope you and Vol Fan can have a good talk--I'm sure once he realizes how much that comment hurt he'll help if such a situation arises again. He seems like such a great guy, so don't be afraid to talk to him! And as you can see from all the comments, you have friends who won't abandon you no matter what!

Snooty Primadona said...

You & I are so very much the same. Only I have those feelings because of the way my mom treated me & being deserted by my dad. Most people I know came from *normal* families & don't realize how bad the things they say can make me feel. I try to hold it all inside, but sometimes I just can't so I wind up looking like an idiot to everyone. I'm learning to keep my mouth shut & might even succeed at it before I die.

alntv said...

I'm adopted also! So is my wife and one of my sisters. Maybe we should start a club! Anyway, I see why your feelings are hurt...but I wouldn't think about it too much. Guys say some pretty stupid things...