Monday, February 9, 2009

Thinking Continued

I have done a lot of self-examining this weekend. And I have made a discovery. Let me get a running start at this discovery.....

As a teen, I had a bad hand dealt to me - some of which I have posted about in the past. Now many people have bad hands dealt to them but for some reason, I was unable (or willing) to deal with things in a healthy manner.

I turned to alcohol and drugs to numb my pain. Thinking back, I am amazed at how far down that road that I went. There was a stretch of about 3 years that I never had a sober day. I am thankful that I made it out of that world.

I can remember the day that I started trying to regain sobriety. I was at a party with a lot of people that I barely knew. I was partying hard but the pain kept rearing its ugly head. I went outside for a breath of fresh air. As I started out, I tripped and fell, head over heels down a flight of stairs. I was not seriously hurt but couldn't get up. I don't know how long I laid at the bottom of those stairs until someone came out and helped me up.

As I was lying there cold and in pain, the party continued. The music played. The laughter echoed through the wall. No one missed me. No one cared. And I decided that was not where I wanted my life to be - not how I wanted my life to end.

So I decided that a change was needed. And slowly but surely, I started to change. The change wasn't overnight but it came.

And until this weekend, I didn't realize my mistake.

There was something (or somethings) that had driven me down that path. I was still unable (or unwilling) to deal with those things.

So as I stopped doing all the drugs and drinking to the point of blacking out every night, I needed something to numb the pain. And apparently food is pretty good at numbing.

I gained 70 pounds in a span of 2 years!

That 70 pounds of extra calories got me over the hump and allowed time to work its healing magic. So the wounds are not gaping open anymore but the underlying emotional issues are still there.

Admitting that you have a problem is the first step toward resolving the problem. Food has become my drug of choice.


Big Hair Envy said...

I never thought it would happen, but food has become my drug of choice over the past five months. I managed to pack on 15 lbs. in a short period of time, and I had to turn to my bloggy friends to attempt to fight it off.

I am thankful that I never had to deal with the challenges of your life, but I have dealt with my own personal hell. (Haven't we all?) Let's stick together, and lean on one another.....what do we have to lose??

(((HUGS))) Can't wait to see you in June:)

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Woody, Food is comfort for sure.. For me though, as happy as I am (and I am especially happy now with George Adams), I still can't control my weight.. I don't eat for comfort.. I eat because I LOVE food and I enjoy eating. But--that's not healthy either. Nevertheless, I'm just ME, and that will never change.

I think that all of us humans have our strengths and our weaknesses. None of us are perfect. You have come such a long way with your healing. I am proud of you --and I hope you are proud of yourself.

Yes, maybe you have substituted one addiction for another... But--we ALL have our addictions. We may not know everyone's addictions--but they are THERE. I think the key is to just do the best we can, one day at a time, and try to be happy with what we have done each day... Don't dwell on the past---just look up and head forward, toward the future.

Become the BEST you you can be--one day at a time!!!! By the way, did you ever have counseling to help you with childhood problems????

Love you,

Grandma J said...

Good for you! That was a hard post to write, I'm sure...but how proud you must be.

My drug of choice was cigarettes...probably because I saw what hard drugs and alcohol did to my siblings. My drug was just as deadly, but it allowed me to function better than theirs.

Since I quit two and a half years ago, I've gained over 80 lbs. I would say food has taken a front seat in my a new best friend. Slowly I hope to overcome that demon too. So you see, no one is perfect, but I have to say, you come pretty close because you decided to make changes...that's the hardest part my friend. congratulations.

C said...

hi woody. your recent post really touched me, and i'd like to tell you why... as far back as i can remember, food was used to control me, and comfort me. for all of my life, food has been my addiction. i also have codependency. which in of itself brings many issues to the plate. i hear your pain, and i am proud of you for being able to gain sobriety. please dont beat yourself up for having gained some weight. you have saved your own life, and it takes what it takes. you will have the strength to let go of the food, when you are ready. i have been a 12 stepper for years. it saved my life. and if theres anything i can ever do to help you, i am there.

love yourself.


Living on the Spit said...

I have been told very often that we can not change what we do not acknowledge.

I have been down this road many times and have often joked, there isn't a 12 step program that I have met, that I didn't like...

You are certainly not alone and whatever help you need, I am here for you. Hi, my name is Marlene and I am a food addict.

Predo said...

I understand completely.

I do not have the answers for you, but for me it was simply letting it go that saved me. It sounds weird, but I look at my life in two chapters. The first is the painful part and the second is the life I have today. I had to separate the two completely. It was not easy, but in order to proceed with it, I had to face my demons head on.

It sounds like you are starting that exact same journey. I am proud of you. You are strong enough, and good enough to make it. You are also not alone. We are all here, and you are worth it!

Find yourself with no fear, and have a great big hug from me!!!!!

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Woody,I think we all have things we could (and should) work on fixing. I was a smoker for over 30 years (and no I am not that OLD!) One of the hardest things I have tried to do was putting the cigs down! It took me 2 years to quit but in March I will be 2 years smoke free. I packed on a few pounds after I quit and a few more when my thyroid went to shit and a few more when menapause raised its ulgy head. I am sure the beers I drink have added some pounds as well. But none of us are perfect and I for one am a continual work in progress that I know will take the rest of my living days and then some and still not fix! Did that make any sense?? Anyway next to me I love you the best!

Life with Kaishon said...

Wow. I am thankful that you overcome the drugs and alcohol. I have some great friends that I see struggling with this right now and it breaks my heart.

Food is my demon as well!

Keeper Of All Things said...

I'm trying to think of something inspirational.
Can't come up with anything.
I admire your courage.

Lisa said...

We all turn to different things for comfort. We replace our demons with something that makes us feel good. Don't feel alone. I guess my advice would be to channel your energies, your thoughts, your mind into a healthy goal. I don't care if it's to ride a century ride, run a 5k, 10k, or whatever... Once you're occupied with the goal, the weight will fall off. I've seen it happen to many times. It's saved my life, seriously.

imom said...

It seems like we are in similar places weight wise and where our heads are at. I've been very close to the edge of actually moving forward and doing something about my weight. I think I need someone or something to push me over the edge or hold my hand while I jump!

How come I couldn't get addicted to something healthful like exercise?!

Good job on giving up drugs and alcohol. That's a tough road to stick to. My brother was a drug user and an alcoholic and it killed him. I'd rather have 70 pounds than the drug/alcohol induced alternative.

Travel Girl said...

Thanks for the heartfelt post. It spoke to many of us.

Anonymous said... are in my thoughts and I am behind you in all that you are doing to better yourself!'re exercising and trying to make your life better. What more can a person do?

Chris said...

Sounds all too familiar. Thanks for sharing this.

Jay said...

Ah yes, it's mine too.

What with the surgery and losing my two dogs (and another more private family tragedy) I have put a huge amount of weight on since October and I can't seem to stop eating.

Oh, yeah. I admit it. I have a problem. Trouble is, food is my pacifier. My sedative. It's not going to be easy to do without that - and with food, you simply cannot go 'cold turkey'.