After my post yesterday about the skinny girl lost under these layers of fat, I've been thinking. Examining my motives. Analyzing my goals.
What is it that I really want from weight loss? Do I really expect to find that 17-year-old body underneath? Will the weight loss change my own perception of me? Will it make all the self-doubt go away?
You want to know what I really want? Deep down?
Sometimes while watching America's Funniest Videos, I'll see someone attempting something and say, "There are just some things that fat girls ought not do."
Yes, I know that's a bad attitude but it stems from the vision I have of myself if I were to try the very same thing. When I attempt things, I feel like I look awkward, lumbering, and ungainly. Like I don't quite know where my own center of gravity is.
And, yes, I blame this feeling on the extra weight. I've always been a little on the clumsy and un-coordinated side. But I don't remember feeling as self-conscious about it as I am now.
So what I want is to be able to attempt things without the weight getting in my way. To not be held back from living the life I want to live.
Now, you may say, "No, you should do anything you want - no matter your weight!"
But that's just it. There are things that I cannot do - physically cannot do - because of my weight. And I'm tired of that limitation. I've placed limits and restraints on myself for way too long. I'm ready for my life to be full of possibilities - limitless!
Is that too much to ask? Will losing weight do all that?
Maybe the problem is deeper and the weight is just a symptom?
If you've been around here for any length of time, you know that I do have issues. I've never really examined that possibility before. I've got some more thinking to do.....
14 comments:
Woody, I hear you.
While I know I will never be my HS weight again (that's just a "dream big goal") - I do know that I need to be at a healthier weight for my peace of mind. You sound like your at it for the right reasons and that your expectations are realisitic! You can do it!!!
I am right there with ya on that thought (and BTW- we ALL have issues).
I want to be able to do things that I am held back from doing because of my weight and it sucks.really.bad. how I let myself get to the point I had, but in losing weight I am finding I can do more and more.
We can do this and I am always here for you!!!!
Ok, we know SSG has issues. Especially since she purged them over the interwebs : ) So know that you've got some company!
These are big questions you ask, and I will tell you with 100% certainty ... that when you start asking what it is you REALLY want, answers start coming much easier.
All SSG asks is that you GO GENTLY. Us ladies put so much pressure on ourselves to look and be a certain way. Support yourself, be KIND to yourself and start listening to yourself. We learn not to trust how we're feeling and try to unplug those emotions. Over time they get neatly tucked away and stuffed down, often times with food.
Food can be a tremendous comfort--it's safe, legal, cheap and it works ... temporarily. Don't get me wrong, it is very important to be healthy. But us ladies tend to start with the food first, not realizing that we're taking away the thing that has supported and been a friend to us for a very long time. And then beat ourselves up when we need to turn to it again.
I'm cheering for you because THESE questions you're thinking about and taking the time to ask? Are AWESOME. And HUGE. But most of all they're BRAVE.
don't overthink it. we know what we should be doing......
you go first.
:-)
Thanks for sharing nice info on weight loss.
I hear you babe! We all have issues. I just do the best I can.
I know that is not perfect but it is what it is.
But even with all my issues and limitations I still love me the most!
I love you too, just the way you are!
One of the things that I love about you is your realness and honesty. We all have issues...and we all fall to stuffing them or living in denial. The fact that your asking yourself these questions and looking inside yourself for answers, is very courageous. Many of the things each of us do are symptoms of something more...we just don't always want to know what that is.
I do know that it's important that we each love ourselves in the here and now...that's hard to do because we look in the mirror and don't always see the beauty...often times what we see is distorted, we watch tv or look at magazines and see "perfection", we listen to messages that other's give us and how we interpret them or hear them is often wrong.
You are a courageous,real, loving, kind, honest,and beautiful woman. I pray that on this journey of self discovery you really get to see yourself for all that you are!
Great post...thanks for sharing! Have a good weekend! Hugs, Lori
Oh Woody--You know I could write a book about this. My weight has been an issue for over 40 yrs. and YES, it does slow me down physically. There ARE and have been many things in this life that I wanted to do --but couldn't do physically. AND I'm here to tell you that it gets harder the older we get.
As you know, we love to hike.. And now, even when I'm at a 'halfway decent' weight---my old legs tell me I'm getting OLD. SO--for me, I just have to accept this and then just do the best I can.
I still don't like it--and do feel as if I'm 'trapped' inside this big body. BUT--at least now, instead of sitting around complaining about it, I've accepted it, knowing my limitations, and am trying to love myself regardless. Does that make sense????
We do try to eat healthy and exercise. That's all I can do... IF the weight doesn't come off, then so be it. I'm no longer going to allow the scales to rule my life.... I say, "LIVE Baby LIVE."
Hugs,
Betsy
Boy do I hear ya loud and clear...I even had to turned the volumn down.
You have a workout goal, and that should be a great help.
As for me? Ummm yeah. I'll get back to you.
You are really doing some deep thinking Woody.....maybe TOO deep? I don't know..I have issues, everyone has issues. Is food one for us all? perhaps. I agree w/ you though, when I was thin, it seemed I could do anything I wanted. Now, not so much...but it also may have to do with age also.
take care. Don't beat yourself up too much. you are a wonderful person. Inside and OUT!!!
I say start doing more of what you want to do--including those things that you think your weight is limiting you. Your body will start getting the clue that it needs to change a bit so you can keep doing them, and then it will be easier (over time). This worked for me when I started rock climbing. Over many months, I slowly got better at it and also lost a little weight so it was easier to get up the rock. It probably helped that the hours I spent rock climbing were hours I wasn't spending snacking. Your upcoming bike ride is a great goal--as you keep preparing for it, you'll be seeing changes in yourself. Just keep in mind it will take some time!
Yes, indeed! I found this out while attempting a cartwheel at the beach last year. My back still hurts from that fiasco.
That said, once we decide we're *not going to take it anymore*, we can change things. You Go Girl! And I plan to be in Austin for you too.
;-)
We all have issues, and we are all looking for answers. You have been such an inspiration to me, and I hope that I can pass that feeling on to others. We should not have to go through this alone, and I am here for you WHENEVER you need me. You know where I live:) Luv you girlie!!!
Well, at my age I will never find the skinny me of 20 years ago...I stayed skinny until 36....then it was gone. I just want to be comfortable again.
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