Tuesday, January 4, 2011

:(

I was so prepared to write such a different post today.....

When Vol Fan and I married 20 years ago, we were very excited about starting a family.  But the whole fertilization of an egg thing didn't quite work.  So we went through years of testing and temperature taking and more testing and more temperature taking.  All manner of 'trying'!  And nothing.

Eventually, we decided that enough was enough and that if we got pregnant, then that was great.  But if we didn't, then that was OK as well.  We would just live our life.  After enough years of infertility, you just stop thinking about it.  And that is exactly what we did.

Until about mid-December.  When I realized that I was late.  And I am never late.  My cycle is like clock-work.  So I pulled out  the calendar, trying to determine when I had last had my cycle.  And as best I could tell, I was 10-14 days late.  We were both a little shell-shocked and kept thinking that surely I would start.

Another week went by and I went to CVS to purchase a pregnancy test.  It was negative.  The instructions say to wait a week before retesting.

So Christmas morning, we tested again.  Still negative.

I was due to start the next month's cycle the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve.  On Monday, I saw the slightest trace of evidence that my cycle was starting.  I expected my cycle to build as the day went by but it didn't.  Just that trace and then nothing. 

And so.....I had an appointment with the doctor this morning.  But there was no need.  My cycle started last night.  I had forgotten just how much I wanted a baby.

:(

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry. I know the feeling - I actually used a pregnancy test a few times only to find out seconds later that I had started. Go ahead and be sad and accept a hug from me if you would like.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I feel your sadness. I want to cover you in hugs and love, to take away the sting.
xoxoxoxo

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

Oh Woody. So so sorry. ((hugs))
<><

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Oh Honey, I am so very very sorry... I know how much you love kids and how much they love you. You need to go back through all of the NEWER tests, etc. to see what the problem could be. They can do alot to help these days, more than years ago. I know it's hard to do that since you have already done it--but it won't hurt to try it all again IF you two really want a baby.

My love and prayers and thoughts and LOTS of HUGS,
Betsy

Clippy Mat said...

Woody: Don't know what to say really but your post is so poignant I wanted to say something that will make you feel better and unfortunately I can't find the right words. I think you must be feeling down but hopefully your indomitable spirit of acceptance will kick in again and you will find comfort somehow. I hope so, I really do. Wishing you the very best,
:-)

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh Woody. I cry as I type. I will pray for you this week. Pray that God will take this great pain away. It is such a sad thing when conceiving is difficult. You are in my thoughts. With lots of love, Becky

Mental P Mama said...

Ohhhhhh. Woody. I so remember those days of wishing for a baby and wondering why I didn't have one. There are so many ways to be a family...I know you already know this.

But I know that feeling so very well....And you have so much to give....hugs to you, Lauren.

Snooty Primadona said...

Awww, hunny, I know how it feels. I'm so sorry.... I had three miscarriages when we first got married & thought I'd never have any children. As a matter of fact I had simply decided I didn't really want children anyway. It was 6 years married before I got pregnant (right after I made my decision against kids).

However, I do have a son that is 27 going on 17 that you're welcome to. Really. No? Okay, but he's a real challenge, trust me.

Then, when the kids were in high school I didn't get my visit from the Red Baron and even though my tubes were tied, my doctor said there was a possibility that the tubes came untied & I might be pregnant (whatever... I was never physically active enough to make anything come untied). At first, I was horrified, then I thought it might be a pretty sweet deal. Just as I became accustomed to the idea, the doctor called to say it was a no go. I cried for days.

That is the same thing that kept happening to me before my doctor finally admitted I was in early menopause, which went on for a good 18 years & still shows its ugly head from time to time.

Just know that you have many a kindred spirit out here in blog land & we feel your pain....

XOXOXOXO

Deep in the Heart of Happy said...

I understand your feelings. As a birth mother to two children who are with women who could not conceive, I understand from a different point of view. I think you will make an amazing mother. It doesn't matter whose womb they came out of...

I miss my children daily and I know that they were grown inside me...but, they were also grown in their adoptive mother's hearts before they even took their first breath. Sometimes that is the best mother yet.

You don't have to let go of your dreams.

Lori said...

I am so so sorry...I want to just hug you over and over again...I am literally crying here so I would cry with you too if I could...damn I am so sorry...wish I could take this pain away...this is one of the questions or subjects I will be discussing with God when I meet him...((((Woody))) Sending you tons of hugs and lots of love to you my friend. XX

Desert Survivor said...

I am so sorry...sending you many hugs!!! You are one terrific lady! Always remember that.

Nelson's Mama said...

Sweet Woody, my heart goes out to you...

alntv said...

So sorry to read this. :-(