Saturday, February 23, 2008

My biggest, ugliest fear

This is REALLY hard to talk about...

Fear of abandonment - fear of being left behind by someone that I care about

Effects of this fear:
  • I don't like for people to see me cry. In front of people, I am stoic, especially if I am really, really upset. While on the inside, all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry until I can't cry any more.
  • On the flipside, I am not one to be exuberant in showing happiness. I don't scream with excitement or jump up and down. While on the inside, I do all of this and more.
  • It is hard for people to get to know me. It takes a long time for someone to work past my wall of self-protection.
  • Once someone is in, I don't let go easily.
  • I am scared to show anger - not just general anger at the injustices of this world or anger at the crazy driver that cut me off. But anger toward someone that I care about. I am never secure enough to reveal that I am mad or I have had my feelings hurt. I am afraid that if I do, they will decide that I'm not worth the trouble and will leave me.
  • I have unreasonable thought patterns which causes me to take everything (and I mean everything) VERY personally.
  • I will never admit to any of this. If asked, point blank, I would never admit to being angry, hurt, slighted, etc.

What to do about all of this? Therapy? Just accept that I'm a nut? I don't know, but I am open for suggestions.

PS - Weight: 178.2

1 comment:

Ashley said...

You're breaking my heart. You are 100% amazing, through and through, so get mad, be hurt, and let it out - we can take it. Well, not me really, but Stephen can - ha!!