Breaking free

I have this vision of the changes that I am trying to institute in my life. Let me see if I can describe it...

I have addressed in previous posts my biggest fear - my fear of abandonment and I am sure that a lot of this is tied up in that. I can envision myself being encased by all these leather bindings, like Gulliver in Lilliput. I am encased to the point that I cannot move, I cannot breathe, I cannot be me. Each of these leather bindings is my interpretation of what others expect of me or the imposition of some warped rule upon myself.

Why would I impose things upon myself? The answer is two-fold. First, when I was a teen, I was a very angry girl. There was a lot of bad things happening in my life and my way of dealing was to run. I ran to alcohol, drugs, and everything that path entails. During that time, I hurt a lot of people. So in an effort to repent, I tried to hurt myself as much as I had hurt others. Not hurt myself physically - I hurt myself by placing rules and regulations upon myself. Second, when Russell and I married, we were like a lot of couples - we wanted children. It didn't happen. So in a warped effort to make myself pleasing to God and therefore, worthy of having children, I started placing more and more strictures upon myself.

Fast forward fifteen years and there I am completely encased, suffocating by my own strictures. So I am slowly working on breaking those ties. It took a lot of years for me to get them all into place so I am sure that it will take a lot of years to break them. But slowly, I will break free.