Thursday, July 17, 2008

I am brilliant!

I have a confession to make. It is really hard for a 41 year old woman to admit this.

I am absolutely clueless when it comes to beauty products. I want to use these things. I should use these things. But I truly have no idea where to even start.

When approached by a perfectly-made-up salesperson at the department store makeup counter, I get that deer-in-the-headlights feeling. "No, I don't need any help. I'm just looking." And Sephora....well, sephora just scares the crap out of me.

My sister-in-law, Prima Ballerina, is one of those people that always looks beautiful. No matter what she is wearing, no matter the time of day - she just looks good. I have bitched, whined, moaned, and groaned to her on several occasions about my lack of beauty product training.

So Prima has taken me under her wing - trying to gently prod me along the path to beauty. Recently she gave me a jar of Emergin C facial mask. The stuff is wonderful. Paint it on your face, leave it there for 20 minutes, rinse it off, and your skin feels as soft as a baby's bottom. And that's pretty damn soft!

So in getting me to try this stuff, she goes on about how wonderful it is and that it contains retinol and how great that is. It just goes in one ear and out the other but I use it a couple of times because I want my skin to be baby's bottom soft.

Saturday, I had a little time and decided to sit by the pool. I know, I know - skin cancer, melanoma! But I can't help it. I like to be tan. So I sit out there about an hour - just enjoying my afternoon. Those of you that are not ignorant about beauty products can guess what happened. Me - not so much!

A couple of hours later, we are at a birthday party and my face starts feeling hot. Then it starts feeling REALLY hot - like I have a sunburn. But I was only out for an hour and nothing else feels hot - just my face.

So my hostess offers me some aloe. I thinking "I don't need any aloe. I'm not burned. I was only outside for an hour!!" Then I go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. My face is fire-engine red except for around my eyes. So I'm thinking "Damn! I hate sunglasses lines! But how did that happen - nothing else is burned!!"
My mind goes round and round for several hours, alternating between how hot my face feels and how the hell did this happen. And then it hits me. Retinol = chemical peel!!! Thus only my face and not around my eyes. God, I am brilliant!!


Big Hair Envy said...

Oh, NO, Lori! You really must get into the habit of reading the labels on your new beauty products!! hahaha!

Just a hint - stop by the Estee Lauder counter the next time you go to the mall. My girls will take good care of you. Promise:)

P.S. - Sometimes, they give away free stuff. Don't tell anybody.

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

Oh Lori, this is funny!! I am also oblivious to beauty products. I have tried some because I would like my youthful appearance back.

I am sorry this happened to you, but thanks for informing me. You were talking about how great the stuff was and I am thinking okay go out now and get some. Maybe I will in the fall because I worship the sun for that glow.

Holy Crappers said...

Big hair, I love eStee lauder !!


Lori said...

Big Hair - Thanks for the tip! I'll try them if I ever get brave again.

PP - After that fiasco, that is what I had decided because the stuff works really good!!

#1 - I'm gonna give them a try!

My Metabolic Rate is Stuck said...

Well..being in my late 50's, I was thankful to read about your experiance. I am always on the look out for new things to try!!!Although, I really, really want a face lift and eyelift! Now that sounds like I am really decrepded (sp)....I am!!! Just ask PP. and the Keeper. anyway gotta get me some!

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my gosh! I'm like you: cosmetically challenged AND a sun worshipper. And I totally didn't guess what was coming. I didn't know Retinol had that effect, but, boy, will I remember it from now on.

Are you OK?

JD at I Do Things

Ok, Where Was I? said...

At least you have posted this for the rest of us. I had no idea. Funny story! I mean, after the fact it's funny.

Corinne said...

OMG! That's horrible! You burned your baby skin! I was a cosmetic girl for about eight years for three different lines. Don't be afraid to ask questions at the counter - that's why they have to go through all the "classes" and "clinics", so that they can inform the customer about the product and how to use it. It's their job. And like BHE said, ALWAYS read the label. Hugs!

Leslie said...

Sounds like a sinister plot to ruin the hotter sister-in-law! I've seen movies like this on Lifetime! :) You'll show her! Once you shed your skin you'll be a bronze goddess!!

Lori said...

MMRIS - Man, if I had the cash, I would soooo do botox or lipesuction or who knows what!!

JD - Yeah, I'm OK - just a doofus!

OK - Glad to be of service!!

Corinne - Yea, now I have 2 makeup girls that can try to help my hopeless self!!

Leslie - That's going to be my new mantra. "I will be a bronze goddess, I will be a bronze goddess,..."

Dirtbikes and Divas said...

Sorry Lori I signed in under my homeschool group identity before...same Leslie.... and I think for sure you should humor us and show us the different stages you go through getting to bronze goddess...peeling skin and all!! Now there's a post!!! You know the kind that keeps us on the edge of our seats...stay tuned for tomorrow when Lori sheds her second layer of skin...............

Lori said...

Dirtbike Leslie - My first thought when I saw my burned face was "Damn, why didn't I bring my camera?"