After reading the post yesterday at My Life Interrupted, I have realized that I have a choice to make. A choice to live or merely to survive.
Well, I choose to live. But in order to embrace life, there is a bunch of baggage that I need to get rid of. I have kept this baggage hidden away for more years than I care to remember.
If you ask most people that know me in "real" life, they would probably tell you that I am a pretty happy person. Cheerful. Easy going. And I am because that is the face that I choose to show the world.
Deep down in my secret place, I am very, very sad. No one gets to see that place - I don't even like to go there myself. That is the problem.
I have experienced a lot of sadness in my life. I experienced it when I was too young to know how to deal with the emotions. So I suppressed them. It was easier that way.
After so many years of suppressing, you tend to forget those bad feelings are even there. This deep-down sadness is just who you are. You forget that these things can be dealt with - processed - and then put aside.
No, the memories will not be erased but the emotions can be dealt with. And that is what I need to do. Deal. Process. And put aside.
I think I have finally reached a place where I can expose my secret place to the light of day. And let the light chase away the shadows.
It is not going to be easy for me. There is a lot in my past that I never talk about with anyone. A lot that I am ashamed of.
But I have made a choice. I choose to live.
9 comments:
I have a three stone ring to remind me every day...to let it all go because:
If I keep a foot in yesterday and a foot in tomorrow, then what am I doing on today? I am pissing it away! (Sorry for the language)
I am always here for ya. Stay strong and I am proud of your decision.
No better place to "release all that you have kept inside" than to your blogging pals. Better than Therapy!
We will all be here to support you!
I am so damn proud of you that I have tears as I write this. I know that you will purge all of this and the beauty that is you will increase to such great levels. I hope you know that I am always here for you on this journey. I am so happy for you that I wish I was there to give you a giant hug right now but since I am not I am sending you giant (((((HUGS))))) and lots of love right now. Peace be with you my friend, Lori
I know you have touched on this subject before...your past. I think it is healthy for us to deal with the past....then let it go. Don't let it eat you up...even if you are keeping it down, it is still work to "keep it down".
you do whatever feels right for you.
Take care,
suz
I admire your honestly and ability to expose your soul.
I don't know your burden, but I know they can be painful, I've been there in my own world.
I lay my burden at the foot of His cross, He bears it for me, and my load is light.
God bless you for who you are.
We can do it together if you want?
What a powerful post. I know exactly what you are saying. I have dealt with much of my past and it helps quite a bit.
I will be her to listen!
I admire your courage and for your choice! Dealing with it is the first step in healing it :) Know that I'm here for you !
This takes A LOT of strength. I think the thing that can be scary is that it feels like if we open up all of that stuff that gets buried down so deep that it will be never ending. I promise you that there is an end.
Trust yourself. And do what feels right to you. The only person who knows what you can handle is you. It's okay to back off of it. It's okay to dive into it. It's okay to hate every single second of it. And it's ALL OKAY and very normal. I think the most painful part of silence is that you're unable to see that you have a lot of company and you can feel alone and like you're bearing a burden that other people don't seem to be carrying. But we're all here for you and MAN have I learned that everyone has a story.
Go gently, ask for help if you feel like you need it but most importantly TRUST YOURSELF and your instincts, you are a strong, intelligent cookie who will be in the right space at the right time always.
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