Scene 1:
(Curtain opens to reveal The Incredible Woody sitting in a waiting room, impatiently tapping her foot.)
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
(She leads The Incredible Woody into the doctor's office and closes the door. The doctor is rising from a seat behind the large mahogany desk, coming to greet the new patient.)
Dr. Blog: Hello, my name is Dr. Blog. And you are.....
IW: My name is The Incredible Woody and I'm here to....
Dr. Blog: Incredible Woody! Wow, that is a..., um..., unique name.
IW: Yes, but my husband has called me that for several years. I used to babysit a little girl that could not pronounce my name so she called me Woody. And it just stuck.
Dr. Blog: You realize that most people will assume you are a man and that you are referring to an erect penis.
IW (snickers): Yes, I realize that and I think it's kinda funny. (snickers again)
(Dr. Blog makes a notation on his pad of paper and Incredible Woody notices.)
IW: What are you writing?
Dr. Blog: Just a simple notation about your warped sense of humor. There is some medication for that but we can discuss that at a later date. Now, let's get down to business.
IW: OK, where do we start?
Dr. Blog: Well, the best place to start is at the beginning so let's start there.
IW: OK.
(Long uncomfortable silence......)
Dr. Blog: You can begin any time.
IW: Oh, you mean I'm just supposed to start talking? I thought you would ask some questions or make me look at ink spots or something.
Dr. Blog: No, you just start talking. If I have a question, I will ask it.
IW: Oh, OK. Well, let me see..... The beginning, huh?..... Well,..... I guess I should start with the fact that I am adopted. I was given up at birth because my mother was young and was unprepared to care for a child. I stayed in the hospital for a few days and then went to Pulaski, Tennessee to live with a foster family. I lived with them for 6 weeks.
Back then, adoptive parents couldn't have the baby right away. The state wanted to make sure the baby did not have any health issues. If I had any major health issues, I would have been considered "unadoptable" and been a ward of the state. So I guess I'm lucky that I was healthy.
Dr. Blog: Yes, yes. You were very lucky.
IW: After 6 weeks, I was given my clean bill of health and was able to go live with my new family. My parents were very wise in how they handled the fact that I was adopted. They handled it by never making it an issue.
Dr. Blog: What do you mean?
IW: So many adopted children grow up thinking that their birth was like everyone else's. And then one day, the truth is revealed. Many are devastated by this - left with a feeling that their entire life has been a big lie. Lots are never able to overcome this - feeling as if they can never trust their parents again.
On the other hand, many adopted children have special attention focused on them because of the adoption. They are "special" because they were "chosen". This can lead to a child never feeling that they can live up to that specialness.
My parents didn't do either. The fact that I was adopted was just a natural thing, like breathing. It was neither good nor bad. It wasn't hidden. Nor did it have a spotlight shown on it. It just...was. I think this is the best route for adoptive parents to go. But this is just my opinion.
As an adult, I have had some realizations about the effects of adoption. Even though, I think my parents took the best course of action. Adoption still has its effects on children.
It is fact that babies can hear while in the womb. After 9 months of hearing a certain voice, knowing that voice has provided a place of safety, comfort, warmth and then all of the sudden that voice is gone. Replaced by a myriad of others. All trying to be comforting and soothing but none are the same as that first one.
Then for 6 weeks, I start to learn a new voice. Learning that this one will provide a place of safety, comfort, and warmth. And then all of the sudden that voice is gone too. Replaced by another.
One of my aunts told me that I was very unhappy baby - cried all the time. I think it was because I missed that first voice. It took about a year or so before I started to act happy on a regular basis. I think that it took me that long to trust again - to trust that those voices weren't going to leave too.
I think both of those left a mark upon my psyche. That mark is my fear of abandonment. My fear is not rational. And until I was an adult, it was uncontrollable. I can still feel it creeping in sometimes, threatening to swallow me.
I have read that this is a common thing among adoptees and among children that had to be away from their families at birth for any number of reasons.
Whether it was because momma was a crack head but she eventually got her life together. Or maybe it was health issues. The child was terribly ill. Had to be in an incubator. Whatever.
But the child was still separated from its mother. And still suffers from that initial separation. That mark from so long ago is still there and still affects behavior.
For me, my fear causes me to do 2 things, sometimes I do them at the same time.
First, I only let people in so close. And then I put up a wall of protection. Not wanting them to get any closer. Can anyone say defense mechanism? The closer you are to me, the more I have to lose if you leave.
I will open small cracks on occasion. But it is really just a test. If you care about me, you will see the crack - see the opportunity - and take it. If not, it just reaffirms my original position of keeping you out.
Second, I tend to be terribly clingy. If I feel you pulling away, I will wrap my tendrils around you, tighter and tighter until neither one of us can breath.
I know these reactions are polar opposites of each other. Weird thing? I also have a tendency to do them at the same time. Pulling you in while keeping you at arms length. I want closeness, intimacy, love but reject it in the same breath. I am my own worst enemy.
As an adult, I have become better at managing these things. But I want them gone. Any suggestions, doc?
Dr. Blog: Well, I am sorry but that is all the time we have for today. We will start there at our next visit. I am late for my tennis lesson.....
17 comments:
You are so wonderful to share your journey as well as this glimpse into the world of an adopted child. You know my situation and I often wonder what kind of effect it will have on them.
I love ya even more then I already did for sharing this very personal journey.
"Thank you for sharing" seems flip - but it truely isn't meant that way!
My ex is also adopted and I've often wondered if that played a role in our marriage falling apart?
You will be providing those of us with no experience with adoption and it's effect, some insight and hopefully understanding.
Thank you for opening up and letting us in. Love ya!
Thank you for sharing these things and for having the courage to take these steps of letting us know the things inside of you that have caused you pain. These things you talk about today have concerned me in regards to my little people that we are raising. I hope that I can learn from you on this. Great honest post my friend. Hugs and love, Lori
This is great Woody. (funny, I always think of woody from Toy story and not a penis....I am surprised at my maturity too)
I love that you are sharing this journey with us...gives me even more reasons to love ya'!
For all the times I heard someone else recount these feelings, and I responded with,"But you had loving adoptive parents!" -- I apologize.
Thanks for the insight.
Woody I feel your pain, as I was abandoned as a child. Finding out I was an illegitimate child at 19 took me years to handle. Sometimes it is still hard for me. Maybe thats what make me clingy and standoffish. (is that a word) Just know I am here for you if you need me. I will walk with you and hold your hand on this journey. And carry the cooler!
Love U
NNG
I'm in awe of your open and honest ability to bare your soul like this. I can't relate to your situation, but I do know that we are all part of God's plan, so therefore we are all here for a reason. I feel extremely fortunate to have you to open my eyes.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story... and know that I am here for you every step of the way. It must take great courage to open up like you have and I cannot begin to tell you the amount of admiration I have for you.
(((HUGS))) to you :)
B-
I hope you know that there are many of us out in the blogosphere who have been praying for you on a regular basis. It must be SO difficult for you to share such personal things, and I hope that it will help to have us along to hold your hand or offer a hug. If you travel this road long enough, you will eventually reach your destination.
Lots of Bloggy Love, BHE
Oh, I recognise those traits! I was in hospital a lot as a child, both because I was ill and then because my mother was ill and they decided she needed 'a rest' from me. Apparently I was a really demanding baby.
So there you go. A possible reason for my own clinginess and lack of trust. But I've also seen it from the other side. I had a friend who has gone through life both wrapping tendrils of 'need' and possessiveness around people while at the same time not letting them get too close. But she took it a step further and has a long record of sabotaging friendships quite brutally if people do manage to creep in under the defences.
I would advise you to not do that, but you are already much more self-aware than this lady is, and already doing much to learn about your own responses and try to modify them.
Good for you! Hugs, too - I know you'll be needing a few of those along the way.
And I just want to say that I've never thought of you as an erect penis.
I'm sorry, but I will admit to having initially wondered if you were indeed an erect penis. You can imagine my disappointment when I found out you were a GIRL
But luckily you're a supAH hot, fun girl!
In all seriousness, I'm SO GLAD we bumped into each other in this little crazy world of ours. And so proud of you for feeling comfortable letting it all hang out ... which I'm sure is what you'd do if you DID have a penis.
Smoochies,
SSG
this was just wonderful...and insightful.
but you did all the talking, and I bet that quack charged you 200 bucks an hour!
:-)
Yes, I must admit that I initially thought you were a guy, referring to the preferred status of your penis, lol. However, it didn't take me long to figure it out.
My mother was so awful growing up, that I used to wish that she would quit threatening to have me adopted or put in an orphanage, and get on with it. She chose boarding school for me instead, because she didn't want me around.
My parents split for the first time when I was 9 months old (but went on to split a total of six more times), so that probably explains many of my issues with men. I'm still insecure at times and talk about clinging! I'm a world champ at that.
Sometimes I think we just need The Butterfly Effect, so we can go back & change the decisions our parents made that so deeply harmed us. Since that's not possible, I'd say that getting it out in the open & beating it until it's a dead horse, beats the hell out of talking to a therapist. Any. Day.
That said, I think my best therapy has been raising my children in what I believe to have been the right way. It's almost like I grew up right along with them with a mom that didn't belittle you, slap, scream, beat until bloody, steal away your childhood, and injure your soul, all at once.
I've had so many friends my entire life who were adopted & they never seemed to come to grips with living, because they were *abandoned*. Thank God that doesn't happen much these days. My mother hated me because I look just like my father, which is just as bad a way to grow up, in my honest opinion. If it continues to gnaw at you, then try to find this woman so that you can put that part to rest, then get on with your life.
I think you're awesome, from what I know of you. Do what you need to do, but get her done. You've already shown what kind of stuff you're made of from your training. Focus on the positive and the other stuff can be talked away. And, you have a marvelous sense of humor. But Hell, honey, this is the best therapy you'll ever get right here, and it's free. Since starting my blog a year ago, I can honestly say that I'm more emotionally stable than I've ever been in my life, because I've been able to talk out most of the bad stuff.
Sure, I've still got a few loose screws, but I'm hopeful I'll get that worked out, with time. Good thing I have an electric screwdriver called a blog. Sorry this turned out to be so long.
Get. Her. Done.
To make this short...I said all of the above! :) Well, I was thinking, geesh, I wish I could have said that before they did! :0)
Truly, I am Proud of you and the person you have become! Just think If you haven't had these trials...where would you be today!
Hopefully, someday I too will feel comfortable enough to let it out!
(((HUGS)))
Yes, very insightful. You'll conquer this I'm sure. :)
Hey Woody, Since I've been gone for a week--you have made some interesting strides in your life... We love your funny stories--but we also love your thoughts on life and dealing with the past. Talking about it and sharing it is a great step toward healing.
We ALL have demons from our past. Some we ignore and some we live with constantly wishing things were different. I've talked about my struggle with my weight. I have gone up and down all of my adult life. I'm UP now and not happy. BUT--I haven't done anything much about it YET. One of these days, I'll tackle it again.
Glad to ge home!!!! Missed my bloggy friends-including you.
Hugs,
Betsy
What an insightful post, and one I can relate to as well. I have suffered from "come here, now go away" many times in my life, and the idea of abandonment is always at play. I read the book, "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst during a very painful time, and I found it very illuminating and comforting. I am a new visitor to you, and I will be back;) Hugs to you.
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